In the Coffeehouse

 

Minako: So here we are once again.

Rei: remind me why we are doing this?

Prowdist: Im caustic

Athena: Im cynical

Together: We need an outlet.

Prowdist: Does anyone have anything else to say?

Makoto: Were conserving our energy.

Athena: Then without further adoROLE EM!

 

MISTLETOE CAN BE DANGEROUS

 

Rei: Those pointy leaves grow and attack you by night.
__________________________

By Princess Destiny
[ princessdestiny@h... ]

 

Athena: Tsk. Tsk. Too lazy to type the full email address?

Prowdist: How will the Hero-Worshipping Masses ever be able to find you?

Prologue
_______________


It was lightly snowing and very cold that day.

 

Athena: This will not end well.

Makoto: It doesnt begin well, either.

Ami: Here we go again.

 

Three days till Christmas and Juuban looked like a bomb had hit it!

 

Prowdist: [sits up straighter in his chair] Whats that you say?

Rei: A bomb?

Makoto: As in weapon of death and destruction?

Athena: I think I must have read it wrong.

Ami: Its a trick - a clever ruse to lull us into believing that this will be interesting.

Minako: Picture it. Juuban, lying in shambles. Buildings destroyed, gas fires burning

 

Well, not literally.

 

Ami: Is now the appropriate time to say I told you so?

 

But the streets were flooded

 

Prowdist: Ill settle for a flood.

Athena: It might not have the finesse of a bomb, but itll do.

Rei: How do you start a flood?

All: [long pause]
Ami: Why is everyone looking at me?

 

with last minute shoppers, garish decorations and snow, snow, snow.

 

Minako: I think its snowing in the fic.

Rei: Was it the reiteration or the flashing neon sign that gave it away?

 

He was sure that most of the City

 

Rei: of Perpetual Happiness.

Minako: of Ultimate Suffering.

 

was enjoying the festive Season and the unusual snow-fall, but HE wasn't!

 

Athena: God doesnt like Christmas? That isnt very sporting of him.

 

No siree. Bah humbug and all that.

Prowdist: I believe a written apology to Charles Dickens is in order.

Athena: Wed better include a gift certificate.

Ami: Perhaps the secret to world domination.

 

If Mamoru heard the bloody annoying song 'Jingle Bells' just ONE LAST TIME, he was seriously going to

 

Rei: Seek a deeper understanding of his inner child?

Ami: Steal a car and embark upon a crime spree while dressed as Santa Claus?

Minako: Run screaming for a cliff, throw himself off of it, and end this mockery of a fan fiction?

Athena: Hes *seriously* going to do these things, folks. *Seriously*. 

 

throttle the person!

 

Rei: It saddens me that an action of that sort has been summed up in a mere three words.

Makoto: Take a little time to enjoy the violence.

Athena: leap upon the unsuspecting caroler, rifle and machete brandished high and proceed to create his own brand of Christmas confetti is so much more interesting.

Ami: Oooo. Details. 

Prowdist: God is in the details. [snort]

 

He'd take Scrooge to the next level and go cheerfully homicidal on the merciless shoppers.

 

Athena: Bad shoppers! You are heartless in your tormenting of poor Mamoru.

Rei: Who hates Christmas.

Makoto: And shall continue to do so until a certain girl teaches him to love and enjoy the spirit of the holidays.

Athena: Excuse me whilst I retch.

Prowdist: If the phrase golden haired angel ever appears in this fic, I shall not be responsible for my actions.

 

Honestly!

 

Minako: Whoa there.

Rei: We believe you.

Makoto: No need to get all worked up.

How many times could someone hear that dong

 

Makoto: [closes her eyes] Im not seeing this.

Minako: [collapses to the floor, laughing hysterically.]

Rei: I believe I speak for all of us when I say WTF?

Ami: [typing quickly on her laptop] Possible substitutions include wrong, long, song and bong.

Athena: [singing] Bring your gin and tonica, smoke your marijuanica(1)

 

without going batty?

 

Minako: I wonder about that expression.

 

He pushed past the happy, laughing crowds lining the sidewalk of the Juuban shopping district and tried to see the glass double doors of the 'Crown Game Arcade'.

 

Rei: Now the Crown Arcade is a poem of some sort?

Makoto: Or a short work of prose.

Minako: Haiku, perhaps.

 

No mean feat for a Super-Hero who was all set to ruin his gorgeously-dashing visage

 

Athena: The Entirely Hyphenated Language II The Hostile Takeover

 

and go postal on their hides!

 

Minako: Batty, postalam I the only one seeing a trend?

Prowdist: Mamorus going crazy. Excellent.

Rei: I strongly believe that we should encourage this behavior trend.

Athena: He might do something interesting.

Prowdist: When taken out of context, that sentence is truly hilarious.

Ami: Its pretty damn funny in context.

 

"Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry about that" he murmured absently, forcing his way across stream

 

Athena: [singing] Climb every mountain, ford every stream

and against the tide of people who seemed determined to make him go the opposite way he was headed.

 

Ami: Theyre all running away from the 4, 596, 876^th youma to strike the Juuban district.

Prowdist: Hes headed into the next scene. No one wants to stick around.

 

Finally, he almost fell onto the doorstep of Motoki's Arcade

 

Athena: Not to be confused with the poem Crown Game Arcade.

Ami: At least she left the word game out of this one.

Rei: So my intelligence is only being *slightly* insulted. I feel *so* much better.

 

and breathed a deep sigh of relief. His relief was short-lasting

 

Prowdist: The hyphens are coming the hyphens are coming

 

when he glanced inside and saw the hordes of the devil there.

 

Athena: Damn it! Who forgot to flip the switch on the two-way mirror?

Rei: He isnt supposed to be able to see us!

Minako: I think our cover has been blown

Grinning, screaming, laughing, shoveling food into their mouths and playing games.

 

Makoto: Maybe we should tell them not to play with knives.

Minako: The broken bottles being thrown around cant be good.

 

"Why me, lord?" he asked plaintively.

 

"Because you shit me"

 

[Silence spreads throughout the Coffeehouse]

Minako: [whispers] Someone should say something.

Athena: Were all busy reveling in our superior intelligence. Give us a minute.

All [another long pause]

Athena: Okay.

All  BA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Makoto: It hurts

 

 

Someone retorted promptly. A soft weight was thrust
into his back and he staggered forward slightly.

 

Prowdist: [as Mamoru] I cant understand why people keep thrusting bags of lemmings at me.

Athena: [as Mamoru] You think its a hint?

 

"Satan?"

 

Prowdist: May I help you?

 

Mamoru said mockingly, knowing just who was crushed against his back, due to having recognized the voice.

 

Rei: Will someone shoot that sentence?

Makoto: Put it out of its misery.

Minako. Be humane.

"As much as I'd love to send you to hell, I don't have that power"

 

Athena: Stick around, Mamoru. This fic has currently descended to the 5^th circle.

Minako: Next stop, Heretics!

 

Usagi muttered into the material of his green jacket.

 

Athena: I thought Ami had the green jacket.

Makoto: She does. Shes running tests on it.

Rei: Damn thing is indestructible.

 

She raised her hands and thrust herself back from him, glaring behind her for the wicked person who had DARED to push her into close bodily contact with her nemesis.

 

Athena: Wont be long now. The battle has been opened with a glare.

 

"Are you going to stand there all day?" she demanded, thumping him on the back impatiently when he just stood there.

 

Prowdist: [as Mamoru] I cant move until weve traded silly insults and bantered back and forth about our hatred for one another for at least five minutes.

Rei: Dont you ever read first season fan-fic?

Makoto: Some people

 

Here she was all ready to get a hot chocolate

 

Athena: Shes stepping out on a limb there.

Minako: Can we say pandering to a ten-year-old audience?

 

and enjoy some Sailor V before going home and he was blocking the
path!

 

"Impatient are we, Odango Atama?"

 

Athena: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

Minako: PuD added the crucial element, but the style is poor. She may have to settle for the bronze.

 

Mamoru said dryly, smiling. He gave into her request and walked forward slightly until the sensor on the door
detected his presence

 

Ami: [as sensors] Warning. Intruder. Intruder.

 

and slid the doors open. A puff of warm air greeted him and sighed in relief,

 

Athena: [as puff of warm air] Freedom! At long last! Victory is mine!

 

then shuddered back

 

Athena: Who did that?

Rei: Minako, stop hitting the rewind button.

Minako: But I like watching him jerk back and forth

Prowdist: Who gave her the remote?

 

as the noise hit his ears. It was horrendous!

Usagi followed Mamoru and crashed again into his back as he seemed to freeze. She placed a hand on either side of his hips reflexively and peered around his taller form for the hold-up. Kids! Everywhere! She grinned in amusement and guessed what Mamoru's problem was. "Poor Mamoru" she crooned
up at him, throwing him as teasing look as he glanced down at her sourly.
"You're used to nice QUIET libraries and noise-control zones, right?"

"As opposed to screaming hordes of ankle-biters?"

 

Athena: Oh. Thats cute. My grandma says ankle biters.

Prowdist: [gags]

 

he rolled his blue eyes in an expressive way. "Let me see-yes!" he finished sarcastically.

Usagi giggled and released him, stepping beside him and letting the warm air waft over her. She hadn't realized it at the time, but she'd had her hands on her worst enemy!

 

Rei: Big surprise. Huge.

Minako: Really.

Ami: Were shocked.

Makoto: Thats one.

 

What had she been thinking?

 

Ami: Where did we put that MIND SCAN-O-MATIC?

Makoto: Its behind the body armor and the mace.

Ami: Found it.

All: [pause]

Ami: Go.

All: [watching the projector screen]

Rei: Well, Im impressed.

Prowdist: I dont think Ive ever seen chocolate syrup used that way.

Athena: Ive never heard of it being used that way either.

Makoto: The handcuffs and the cattle prod worry me.

 

She looked sideways to see if Mamoru had noticed. Yes, he HAD. A flush spread over her skin and her
eyes skittered nervously around the packed room.

Mamoru's eyes widened slightly as he noticed the absence of her warm hands on his body. He hadn't even noticed her hands were there till she removed them. Odango Atama

 

Makoto: Thats two.

 

never touched him.

 

Makoto: [as Mamoru] Except when we have wild, nekkid monkey sex, but that is a separate issue.

 

Sure, they invaded each others space, but that was customary to their sparing.

 

Athena: You have to be very careful while sparing.

Prowdist: You might become too thrifty and cautious for your own good.

 

She must be in a VERY good move

 

Athena: [singing] Let your body move to the music

 

to touch him like that without even noticing she was doing it! His
eyes went to her face and he saw that she was looking back at him, an
equally startled look in her blue eyes. Even as he watched, she flushed.

 

Rei:

 

Interesting.

 

Athena: Lets just agree to disagree on that one, shall we?

"GOTCHA!" Everyone in the room suddenly screamed, whirling towards them.

 

Needless to say, Usagi and Mamoru very-nearly

 

Ami: Threw themselves head first into the Pit of Despair.

Makoto: Began their careers as contortionist camel tamers.

Athena: Broke out their arsenal of deadly weapons and set their plan for World Domination in motion.

 

had a heart attack!

Prowdist: Boring.

Makoto: Dull.

Rei: Weve been over the descriptive thing.

Minako: Moving on.

Someone started pushing through the crowd and it parted to reveal a grinning Motoki. "Ah ha! Another victim!" he announced gloatingly, rubbing his gloved hands together.

 

Prowdist: Your soul is mine.

All: [pause]

Minako: [whisper] Is he serious?

Makoto: I havent decided yet.  

 

The blonde guy was dressed in his usual clothes and apron, but he was wearing reindeer ears, a red nose and Christmas oven mitts.

Athena: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 9^th circle of Hell.

Rei: Please remain seated until the vehicle has come to a complete stop.

"Busy this year, Motoki?" Mamoru drawled, raising a foot to walk further into the room and close the doors so that the cold air would stay outside.

 

Athena: Leave the cold air alone. It hasnt done anything to you.

Usagi also made to walk forward, but both of them came to an abrupt halt as Motoki held up an imperious hand.

 

Prowdist: Wait for it

 

Complete with Christmas oven mitts.

 

Athena: I hereby proclaim this sentence The Ultimate in Nonsense.

"Hold it! Anyone entering this Arcade has to conform to Christmas spirit"

 

Prowdist: And if you conform, you get this lovely armband, a membership card, a license plate frame and a bumper sticker proclaiming your subscription. 

Athena: If you conform within the next ten minutes, well include this lovely toaster as a free gift.

Rei: Yours to keep, with no additional obligation.

Minako: Cancel any time. 

 

he announced in ringing tones.

Everyone grinned and cheered.

 

Prowdist: Vote Democrat!

Athena: Free Zimbabwe!

Rei: Actual Reality! Act Out!

Mamoru and Usagi exchanged a wary look, wondering what was going on. Both felt the approach of impending doom

 

Athena: I love that feeling.

Prowdist: Its one of my favorites as well.

Athena: The little chill that goes down your spine. [smiles dreamily]

 

and simultaneously began to back out of the Arcade. The doors whooshed open behind them and they took another step
backwards.

"Stop or you're banned for life!" Motoki almost screamed at them in panic.

Usagi and Mamoru froze like deers in headlights

 

Ami: Deer is in headlights?

Rei: I believe deer is one of those few words that apply both in the singular and in the plural.

Makoto: Deers just sounds wrong.

Minako: Someone get this girl a Hooked on Phonics introductory package.

 

and wondered what they'd done wrong.

 

Athena: [as Usagi] You dont think theyve linked the mass torture of

"What's going on?" Mamoru demanded, crossing his arms.

Usagi hovered at his side, unconsciously using her worst enemy

 

Minako: Thats two.

 

 as protection from the weirdness that was Motoki. He was scary! "Yeah, what's going on?" she asked, licking her lips. Her eyes went around the Arcade, searching for the source of so many gleeful looks.

Mamoru had also noticed the said-gleeful

 

Prowdist: This is really starting to piss me off.

Makoto: Athenas locked herself in the bathroom.

Ami: She keeps muttering something about hyphens being everywhere.

Minako: Rei, can you just start blasting them?

Makoto: I say we take turns.

 

 

looks and was equally wary.

"Look up" Motoki said, an evil grin spreading over his face.

 

Prowdist: [as Motoki] And behold the terror I shall wreak upon the world!

Usagi and Mamoru looked up together. Then their faces became horrified, eyes wide and stunned and mouths gaping.

 

Athena: You, my friends, are a little behind the times. Everyone here has had that exact expression at some point during these proceedings.

Ami: Weve patented it.

 

MISTLETOE! There was mistletoe hanging over the doorway!

Rei: You dont say.

Makoto: Never would have guessed.

"NO WAY!" They shouted together, taking another step out the doorway. They were now standing a foot outside the sliding doors, almost in the current of the shoppers. Just a LITTLE further and they'd be free...

"I mean what I said!" Motoki yelled at them, hurrying after their fleeing forms. "If you don't observe the Christmas spirit, I'm banning you both for life"

 

Athena: Oh, look. Motokis going to play matchmaker. Again.

Prowdist: Just throw in Minako and a locked closet of any description and well be ready to take off on the Cliché Express!

Ami: The implausibility of this scenario is glaring.

Makoto: I think Ill sue. Im sure its possible.

Rei: On what grounds?

Makoto: Mental anguish.

"Are you serious?!" Usagi almost wailed, wringing her hands. No more
Sailor V?

"He's not serious" Mamoru said certainly, eyeing Motoki with his best 'I'm not impressed' look.

 

Prowdist: Id give that look a four.

Athena: He didnt even raise one eyebrow. Thats a must.
Rei: Dont be too hard on him. The expression of true disdain is a dying art.

Motoki gave them back his best 'I'm completely serious you numbskulls!' look.

Ami: Weak. Thats all I have to say.

Minako: I concur. That description

Athena: The juvenile language is giving me a headache.

Usagi and Mamoru swallowed and weighed their options. Kiss or be banned for life.

 

Prowdist: Oh, look. Its the main point of the fic. And it only took six pages to get to it.

Athena: I enjoy the attempt at conflict myself.

Usagi would never be able to play Sailor V again, or have burgers there with her friends.

 

Makoto: I hear the sounds of the world ending. [snorts]

Athena: I can just see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse waiting to jump on this opportunity

Mamoru would never get the best coffee in town, spend time with his best friend or be able to study somewhere late that wouldn't close until he was done.

 

Minako: Cry me a river.

Ami: Now build a bridge.

Athena: And get the hell over it before I strangle you.

"Please tell me this is a nightmare?"

 

Athena: Its a nightmare.

Rei: But not just any nightmare.

Minako: Its the Nightmare Before Christmas.

Prowdist: [evil grin]  

 

Usagi said, turning her head to look up at Mamoru. Her eyes were wide and anxious. Kiss Mamoru? Her worst enemy?

 

Makoto: Thats three.

All: [pause]

Ami: [aside] Should we tell her that her hair is crackling?

Minako: [aside] I think it might be intentional.

Mamoru turned his head to look down at Usagi, mind whirling. Kiss Usagi? His worst enemy?

 

Makoto: Thats four.

Minako: And now comes the demonstration of synonyms.

Rei: Brought to you by your friendly neighborhood thesaurus.

Ami: Substitutions for worst include:  nastiest, most horrible and terrible.

Prowdist: Substitutions for enemy include: opponent, adversary, rival, foe, challenger or antagonist. .

Athena: See how easy that was?

Makoto: Well even play nice and let the gratuitous reiteration slide by.

 

"What she said" he said ominously, glaring suddenly at Motoki. "You were joking, right Motoki?"

"Nope!" Motoki said cheerfully, reaching out. He grabbed onto Usagi's and Mamoru's arm

 

Athena: In other news, Usagi and Mamoru have become the same person.

 

and dragged them back inside.

Rei: [as Motoki] We signed a contract to finish this fic and by God, that is what we are going to do! Amateurs.

Everyone there watched eagerly as the famous enemies were forcefully turned to each other by Motoki.

 

Athena: My computer wants to change the word order in that sentence.

Ami: So does my brain.

Prowdist: Grammar and Spell Check are our friends.

 

He thrust Usagi at Mamoru's chest and stood back, arms crossed. "Smooch or else" he ordered.

 

Athena: [snickers]

Minako: Well just leave it at that.

Mamoru caught Usagi to his chest as she was thrown there. He glanced down at her bent head and then at his best friend-soon-to-be-corpse.

 

Makoto: I want to make a witty comment, but Im afraid that if I touch it, that sentence will suck away my life force.

Ami: Not to mention your IQ.

 

"I'm going to have to kill you for this, I hope you realize" he said mildly.

Rei: Promises, promises.

"Not till after Christmas" Motoki retorted cheerfully, waiting.

 

Prowdist: I could kill him. Nothing says Christmas like death, destruction and mayhem.

Athena: And Force Lightning. Dont forget the Force Lightning.

"Kill me first" Usagi moaned, raising her face to Mamoru's.

Athena: Prowdist! Put. The. Rocket. Launcher. Down. Nice and slow now. [shakes head] I turn my back for thirty seconds

 

"Ready, Odango?" Mamoru asked her.

"Ready when you are" she responded.

They stared at each other.

"Well?" Motoki grouched.

 

Athena: [singing] Cant hurry love, no, you just have to wait.

"I was waiting for him" Usagi said, frowning.

"I was waiting for her" Mamoru frowned also.

"If we're being PC, then the guy should kiss the girl"

 

Athena: How do you figure that one?

Rei: I think PuD is an old-fashioned romantic.

Athena: Oh please. Gag me with a spoon. 

 

Usagi retorted, starting to get annoyed.

"Who's rules are those?" he retorted back, eyebrows raised.

Ami: Youd think he couldnt hear us.

Minako: Kids these days. In one ear and out the other.

"Oh, just get ON with it!" Motoki yelled, getting fed up.

"Fine!" Mamoru and Usagi shouted back.

The blonde got onto her tippy-toes and Mamoru lowered his head at the same time. Their lips met in the middle and melded. It was over in seconds and they both jerked back as if burnt, eyes wide.

Prowdist: Oh dear me. They seem to have come into intimate personal contact.

Minako: Ill bet twenty bucks that Usagi and Mamoru spend the next chapter internally dissecting their feelings about that kiss.

Athena: I see your twenty and raise you a Usual Suspects Special Edition DVD that they deny being attracted to each other for the next two chapters.

"There, happy?" Mamoru said, removing his arms from about Usagi and wadding

 

Rei: [closing her eyes] What have I done to deserve this?

Makoto: All that insulation must be bothersome to carry around.

 

through the gaping crowds towards the counter. Usagi blinked and then headed for the Video Games and Sailor V.

 

Rei: Which, oddly enough, is a video game.

Motoki groaned and slapped his forehead. Plan 1 had flopped.

 

Prowdist: You mean this was a setup?

Minako: No way!

Rei: Where are the cliché police?

Makoto: Tango Charlie Alpha, we need backup. Repeat, we need backup.

 

He needed more help!

Athena: Thats your cue, Minako. Run off and force Usagi and Mamoru to see the light.

Prowdist: Dont forget the closet.

To Be Continued...

 

Athena: No. Please no.

Prowdist: Less is more.

Athena: We guarantee it.