|
To:
All the Christian Rightists Throughout the World
WARNING:
The author would like to warn any potential readers that this essay is HIGHLY offensive to any one with Judeo-Christian or Islamic religious sensibilities and that reading this paper WILL throw you into disfavor with any deity in which you place your faith. Also, when reading this paper aloud please ensure that any person fearing their own death leaves the room and possibly the building for Elohim, Hallowed be His Name, will surely send fire, brimstone, lightning, and any other forms of wrath which He can think of at that moment in time. So please do not sue the Author if you do fall in disfavor with your chosen deity or have a family member struck down by a deity for reading this paper!
If you are HIGHLY religious and/or believe that Atheists should otherwise be thrown into a burning lake of sulfur and tormented for the rest of eternity it is STRONGLY recommended that you do not to read the following material or hear it spoken aloud. Elohim, Hallowed be His Name, will ensure the destruction of the reader and anyone else in the immediate vicinity just to be sure that the reader is killed, Elohim, Hallowed be His Name, does NOT make mistakes.
However, if you are HIGHLY religious and/or believe that Atheists should otherwise be thrown into a burning lake of sulfur and tormented for the rest of eternity it is STRONGLY recommended that you send hate mail to alleviate your anger and frustration toward the infidel formerly known as the author of this paper. Once again, please send hate mail INSTEAD of bombs and/or otherwise any other dangerous things to the infidel. I would personally recommend virtual hate mail or otherwise other electronic means of expressing your hate that are not destructive. Please send all e-hate mail to idontgiveashitzahaboutyourgoddamopinionsofukoff@hotmail.com (and yes this is my actual email account). If you are unsure how to send proper hate mail, I have included the Fic Bitchs web site http://www.envy.nu/smbadfics/hatemail.html, the Guide to Writing Hate Mail.
A Guide to Writing Hate Mail
(From http://www.envy.nu/smbadfics/hatemail.html)
By,
THE FIC BITCH
People, you disappoint me.
It has been brought to my attention that there has been a lot of talk about me in some of the more overly sensitive circles. You are hurt by my web page. Boo Hoo! Go cry to Mommy or someone who gives a damn.
However, I am incredibly distraught that instead of bringing your concerns to me, you insist upon talking about me behind my back. While I appreciate the publicity wholeheartedly, I am left to make the unfortunate conclusion that none of you knows how to send hate mail!
Tsk. Tsk. Must I teach you people EVERYTHING?
RULE #1: Turn off your spell check. The more you misspell, the angrier you appear. And you DO want to show me just how angry you are by my page, do you not? Yes, you do. It causes you to get your point across so much better than a well thought out and reasonable argument.
RULE #2: Swear. A lot. Not only does it again reflect on your obvious and intense anger, the usage of mature words such as fuck, hell, and damn shows that you are obviously a very mature human being.
RULE #3: Always remember to have your caps lock turned on. It is the virtual equivalent of screaming, you know. Embrace your anger. Alternately, u c4n 4lw4y5 writ3 1n l33t.
RULE #4: Threaten me. The following are prime examples of threats:
1) I will kill you/your family/your pet.
2) I will beat you/hack your page/make you dirty.
3) I will destroy your life/your homework/your favorite shirt.
RULE #5: Send one of those virtual voodoo doll thingies. Theyre cute! And since theyre anonymous, not only will I NOT know who is sending me the messages, but then YOU can send multiple ones! Wont that be fun?
RULE #6: Use multiple hotmail accounts. Then, no matter how often I may attempt to block you, you can continue to harass me until youre blue in the face.
RULE #7: Do NOT use your parents email account. While I may appreciate the effort, your parents probably will not.
I hope this helps.
Authors Note:
I have read the Bible through and through; this is what happens when your parents are conservative conformist bastard Baptists. I have found in my readings that no truly first-rate juicy information comes is actually contained in the Tanakh and other Hebrew texts. My theory is that they were written for the masses and over centuries have been edited, altered, condensed, twisted and perverted to suit the purposes of whoever was in power. With this in mind that I got my idea for my version of the first love story.
I draw my sources for my Psuedo-Biblical love story from the Kabbalah and the Talmud, with parts of Isaiah and the Tobit, with snippets from the legend of Gilgamesh, the Dead Sea Scrolls and other Sumerian texts. It is within these texts that the Tanakh and Bible actually gain some personality and style. My general view on the Bible is one of bitterness and disgust. I have MAJOR issues with it. Therefore, this following tale is one of my favorites and I would hope that my views on organized religion in general do not show, heaven forbid that I be biased!
THE TALE OF LILITH: THE Dark Mother, THE Demon Queen, Consort of Satan, THE Seductress, Queen of Zmargad, Grandmother Lilith, Bride of Samael, THE Harlot, THE Northerner (a.k.a. THE Canadian)
The Highly Offensive, Irreverent, Irrelevant and Humorous Re-Telling of the Rabbinic Legend of Lilith From the View Point of a Homosexual, Sodomite, Disillusioned, Bitter, Critical, Recovering Baptist, Atheist, Cynic, Male, Mexican-Irish, Southern Californian, Democrat, Liberal, Litigious, Progressive
One excellent non-existent day, c. 4026 BCE, during August, most likely the 12th or 14th of the month according to some overly devout Catholic priest guy who died a long time ago, Yahweh got bored. How do I know Yahweh got bored? Well we are here, and it is my opinion that Yahweh has a dreadful sense of humor. In this ennui, the Almighty, yet slightly unstable Yahweh decided to spice up His eternal life a bit and create the Universe. Well, his creation of the Universe was something of a mistake you see, Yahweh, in his divine wisdom came up with this absolutely and horribly tasteless joke and in fact, that joke still is a plague upon humanity to this very day.
Yahweh walked up to the LORD God Jehovah one day around the previously stated date of c. 4026 BCE around the 12th or 14th of August, and told the LORD God Jehovah to pull his finger. The LORD God Jehovah, in some slight navet did so, not expecting a fellow Divine Being to be so immature. Yahweh had predicted an Almighty fart to ensue. He fucked up. Instead of just some noxious gases, he blew some sediment as well. This is what those brilliant physicists and various other modern scientists and hyper-intellectuals call the Big Bang. The resulting mess is what we call the Universe. In a stroke of creativity, Yahweh did something with his mess other than cleaning it up, sort of like playing with your food but a lot worse. He took that crap and gas and made the planets and stars and all that fun jazz we see today.
So, that was how the Universe was created, from a load of shit, which explains SOO much! Well from that shit Yahweh created all the flora and fauna on a piece of space crap. This piece of space crap is what we today call this shit-hole: Earth where we live our shit-hole lives. On this earth grew a garden, due to the wonderful fertilizer provided by Yahwehs divine crapping, divine shit is always full of the perfect nutrients for flora. Then Yahweh made all the animals, the Unicorn smartest above them all. He set them to rule and guard over the shit-hole Earth, however, they really didnt do a good job so He later gave the job to Adam after he was created, Yahweh was not known for his brains. The Unicorn was later made extinct, by the children of Seth constantly encroached on their natural habitat with urban sprawl, noxious gases from their factories, their industrial run-off, their toxic wastes, just wastes in general, and over hunting them.
Some say that Yahweh fashioned man in Their image (Their image being the image of the members of the Association of Judeo-Christian Gods [AJCG, who never spoke Latin, no matter what the Catholics have ever said] and deny that any other God Unions exist, Like the UEG [Unionized Egyptian Gods], NPU [Norse Pantheonic Union], OGRG [Organization of Greco-Roman Gods] and the biggest of them all, the FDGW [Forgotten or Dead Gods of the World]). Yahweh created man this way to impress the AJCG, considering He was always considered a junior member and treated like a toddler and he seriously had no clue why.
Back to Yahweh, on day six of His most righteous languor mood (very prompt of Yahweh to create the world in six days; obviously, Yahweh was never one prone to procrastinate), He again got bored with Eden. Therefore, he found a chimpanzee, created from dust and who was just a tad on the slow side, and he became Adam, who immediately picked up the stick he was using to collect termites and realized, Wow, I can beat things with this! A really bad start from the beginning.
Yahweh gave him, being Adam and manly, charge over the world. I think that such a large landmass under the directorship of any one person seems a little iffy and seems to smack of totalitarianism, sort of like Fraternities. Although, due to the existence of the AJCG, Adams domination of the earth was, reportedly, only a puppet dictatorship, a faade for the true powers that pulled all the strings. This shadow organization is reportedly the AJCG who would of thought?
Now, Yahweh had commanded Adam to name (with really long scientific Latin names, because He thought it hilarious) every beast, bird and other living thing that creeped and crawled and that flew and swam, so flora went nameless for a excruciating long period of time and was jealous of fauna to the point of violence. When the Flora-Fauna War broke out there were massive casualties on both sides of the war. A peace was eventually settled after the Pangaea Massacre and the extinction of all the Dinosaurs, allowing most other mammals to roam the earth, although some scum was left alive like roaches, flies, mosquitoes and Man. It was at the end of the war when Adam finally gave all the plants their proper long scientific Latin names.
When each animal passed before Adam in coupled pairs, male and female, Adam having the hormones of a middle school pubescent adolescent with the physique of a twenty-year old stud was consumed with jealousy of their loves. Therefore, he went and raped every female animal, but found no satisfaction in the act of bestiality, in fact stating, I cant get no satisfaction! He therefore, went and bitched to Yahweh in a most whiny tone: Every creature but I has a proper sex toy! I have no one which I can fucketh, who will wash my clothes, who will vacuum, who will dust and clean, who will make me food, who will raise any potential children I might have, and worse of all, I have no one to dominate and lord over!
Yahweh, being the whiz kid that he is, put on his thinking cap, which was strangely conical in shape, sat in his beloved recliner. He then flipped on the tube to watch a football game, the Pearly Gates Seraphim vs. the Tartarian Tempters; the Tempters were winning in over time a safety ahead of the Seraphim. He thought and thought, but nothing came to mind, sort of like one particular president, of the many fine presidents who have served this great nation (i.e. President George Dubya Bush). This lack of creative qualities is not surprising considering how long it took Him to come up with the idea of the universe, in the first place, and the means in which he created it.
Then, Yahweh grabbed some brew and tried to think even harder of ways to satisfy the runt. Yahweh decided to create women, but only after a great pondering session and convening a special meeting of the AJCG, under the Chairmanship of Elohim, Sacred by His Name. This was unusual for the AJCG, because by Charter, they could only meet bi-eternally, and the media went nuts over such an unexpected meeting. After the brainstorming session, this lasted a shockingly short duration of time. In fact, the only person to speak besides Yahweh was Elohim, Blessed be His Name, who said and I quote, Why dont you just make a female human, you stupid schmuck!? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, how fucking stupid can you be?
The media had a feeding frenzy over this
Then, He, being Yahweh, created Lilith, the original woman (and what the Christian Coalition, Moral Majority, Focus on the Family, any group remotely associated with Jerry Falwell, Rush Limbaugh, or Pat Robertson and just rightists, in general believe to be the first feminist and the cause of the subsequent moral decay in America.) Yahweh formed Lilith just as He had formed Adam, from the dust of the earth, although the dust was of higher quality and she was not directly related to the chimpanzee.
Adam and Lilith had marital problems from the start, a matrimony damned not to last. For when Adam wished to fucketh Lilith; she refused to take the recumbent pose he demanded, she refused to be acquiescent to his prurient desires.
Why do you get to be on top? she asked. I was made from dust, just like you, well not just like you but, better than you. At least I am not related to some stupid monkey.
"But, I am a man! And, anyways, Yahweh created me first! So there! That jejune, chauvinist behaviour obviously did not go over well with the first feminist. Then, Adam, with a stroke of his masculine genius, tried to compel compliance on her by physical means (the first case of domestic violence, Adam always there to set the positive precedent!). Lilith, in a rage, uttered the secret password of AJCG , rose into the air and left the male chauvinist behind, as any good woman should.
Adam, again, bitched to Yahweh:
Damn it! My bitch left me. Youre a God, fix it!
Yahweh, could not handle the pressure, he went to a psychiatric counselor and bought some self-actualization tapes, all in vain though as He had the first nervous break-down of any divine or infernal being and was eventually institutionalized. Elohim, Hallowed be Your Name, with a sigh and roll of the eyes, at once sent the angels Senoy, Sansenoy and Semangelof to fetch Lilith. They found her beside the Red Sea, a region abounding in lascivious demons of whose origin is still in question; however, let us not forget that demons are attracted to water in the Bible (at this point in time, the author grabs a swig of water from his water bottle). Lilith had been expressing her newly realized sexual liberation, she had had intercourse with the demons and now was bearing lilim at the rate of more than one hundred a day (remember no birthing pains yet, those are reserved for Adams next hoe, Eve). Go and be a good servant, I mean wife, the angels said in a tone that implied that the AJCG was on their side, or we will call you bad names!
Lilith asked in a haughty self-confident manner: How can I return to Adam and live like an honest stay-at-home housewife slave, after my sexual liberation beside the Red Sea?
It will be death to refuse! they responded sheepishly confident. They were not used to being told off by a woman, after all, they got their orders from the AJCG, a completely male organization, in fact they still deny that any goddesses exist, and in fact all goddesses are really men in drag.
You shmucks cant kill me. Lilith again asked, for she was truly puzzled, when the AJCG has ordered me to take charge of all newborn brats: boys up to the eighth day of life, that of the mutilation, circumcision; girls up to the twentieth day, have they forgotten this already? Just like men to forget! Nonetheless, if ever I see your three names or likenesses displayed in an amulet above a newborn child, I promise to spare it. To this they agreed; but Elohim, Sacred be His Name, punished Lilith anyways by making one hundred of her demon brood expire daily; and if she could not destroy a human infant, because of the angelic talisman, she would have to slay her own lilim.
However, Lilith does not stay near the Red Sea, property values having dropped massively, due to some AVIS Rent-A-Car property scandal, and a rise in crime, due to the neighborhood being completely over run by demons (sort of sounds like the Bronx, eh?). So, Lilith returns to Eden, a much better part of the world. When Lilith returned to her old neighborhood, she first meets Eve , Adams latest bitch, wandering by the Tree, the one that they were forbidden to eat from. Elohim, Sanctified be His Name, was deathly afraid that humans might ever become like Him in any way. Therefore, Elohim, Consecrated be His Name, told them that they would die instantly if they did eat of it, a lie, he had hoped it would scare them shitless so they wouldnt eat of it. As always human nature goes contrary to the rules with a just a little prodding.
It was Lilith, not Satan that took the shape of a serpent and tempted Eve. Eve, not only eats of the Tree but also looses her virginity to Lilith, the first documentation of lesbian sex/ bestiality/ adultery in recorded history. Then Eve, who is menstruating because having sex with Serpent Lilith does that to a woman, goes and fuckeths Adam. He then partakes of the fruit and then they are evicted out of Eden, however not for eating the apple. Apparently, the apple had some kind of narcotic in it, so when they partook they got high. During this lapse in self-control and thought Adam had Eve cut his hair, not only was the haircut dreadful, an insult to any aesthetic tastes one might have, but it also look incredibly stupid. For those of you who wondered who would create such a stupid haircut as the mullet? Well there is your answer, a stoned Adam. So it was Elohims, Sacred be His Name, aesthetic taste that was horribly offended, not his deep-rooted (*cough*, *cough*) morality. Adam challenged the eviction in court, claiming it is his freedom of expression to wear his hair as he chooses. This eviction finally ends with the Supreme Beings Court of the Heavens Above reaching their landmark decision, divine will supercedes all perceived first amendment rights and whatever other perceived rights mortals think they have. Hence, wearing a mullet is not protected under the Celestial Constitution under Freedom of Expression (and dammit nor should it be legal here either), as so many of the Divine Beings find it aesthetically offensive. The Court also ruled that mortal beings are inherently inferior to Divine Beings and therefore are subject to the will and whim of the all-powerful Elohim, Sacred be His Name, and all other Divine Beings. The Abaddonian Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) viewed this as a major set back in their drive for the expansion of first amendments rights and promised further suits when the opportunity arise. The President of the ACLU, Asmodeus, stated:
This act of divine racism will be challenged again and again until this wrong is righted. The fight for the right to wear a mullet, despite the obvious fashion faux pas, will not end here! Asmodeus later conceded that he actually agreed with the decision personally, he also loathes the mullet for its lack of taste, but as a matter of principle had to go against the Supreme Beings Court of the Heavens Above decision.
So, when Adam and Eve set up camp East of Eden Lilith returns, deciding to take vengeance on her ex. She rapes the happy couple, impregnating the submissive and subservient Eve and being impregnated by the male chauvinist Adam (I dont know how that actually works, so dont ask me). They all start spawning more demons together, and the first truly dysfunctional family is born, creating the first need for therapists. Adam absconds into the wastes, of what is considered today as the Middle East, for 130 years, leaving his wife, and I use the term loosely, Eve to deal with Lilith the Angered Ex. Lilith follows Adam and continues to rape him and spawn demons. However, under pressure from the AJCG, Elohim, Sanctified be His Name, makes Lilith unfruitful, for unexpected and sudden increases in the number of the Infernally Rabid Army (IRA) members makes the AJCG very, VERY nervous.
After 130 years have passed, Lilith gets bored with Adams lack of sexual prowess and she leaves him alone un-satisfied until the day he views the very gates of Malebolge. She left with the kind words, See you in Hell, bitch!
This is where there is some slight divergence in the tale of Lilith, so for the purposes of this tale, I will entrance you with the extended version.
As we know, after giving birth to a lot of demons, Eve has two sons, Caine and Abel. Caine was a mans man; Abel most likely would have ended up dating men. Well, Elohim, Blessed be His Name, found favor with Abel. This really irked Caine. If you are an older sibling, you would completely understand this. Why they hell are the younger children treated like babies, even when they dont deserve it? Well that is what happens, Elohim, Blessed be His Name, founded the parental institution of favoritism again always setting the positive precedent. Now my theory behind this favoritism is quite simple. Abel was a farmer, Caine was a herder, Elohim, Blessed be His Name, was a vegetarian go figure. Well, Caine decided to rid the world of his competition, a simple business strategy, and therefore through corporate espionage drove Abel into the ground. Well, Elohim is obviously a big fan of Teddy Roosevelt: The Trust Buster. Elohim would not stand a monopoly on his attentions, so he cursed Caine and banished him to Nod.
Now Caines curse was to live off the blood of others, the life of others more literally. This is also called vampirism for those who did not catch that. But the major curse is that his fangs got in the way of his speech and was doomed to having a lisp for the rest of eternity. Not only was this a physical curse but a social one as well, the once mans man was now called a Faerie. He eventually wanders the wastes of Nod and finds Lilith, who had taken residence in a tree that was guarded by a big ugly and horribly stubborn dragon and had two birds roosting in its branches. So, after spending many a year in the company of demons Lilith had picked up a few tricks and taught them to Caine. The only reason she let him in, in the first place, was that she thought that he was a queer. When Caine got more confident he tried to exert his control over Lilith, she did not take kindly to this. She then proceeded to open a can of whoop-ass and then kicked his ass and kicked him out of her tree. Then Caine, self-confidence crushed, went to go find a speech therapist and a psychologist to deal with his self-confidence issues and has never been heard of again.
Lilith lived happily in her tree for many more years. Then, some Sumerian Goddess, sorry, some Sumerian God in drag took a liking to this tree and had Gilgamesh slay the dragon and get rid of the birds. When he tried to move Lilith she sued, claiming that she was there first and had a proper right to the tree as it was claimed by no one else. However, litigation failed as the Supreme Beings Court of the Heavens Above always seems to rule in the favor of the Divine. Samael (a.k.a. Satan/Lucifer), the founder of the ACLU took the case up himself, although he did make it an ACLU case. During the case, though, Lilith and Samael seemed to hit it off incredibly well and the professional relationship they had quickly turned into an affair and ended with Lilith moving in with Samael in his beach from property in Hell. The mansion had an incredible view of the burning lakes of sulfur, the tormenting of the damned, and when the sun set just right one could hear the souls scream. The scandal was huge, the Infernal and Divine Tabloids made a killing off it and blew it way out of proportion. Lilith though was not fazed by being under scrutiny of the media; she had been used to it for a long time, being one of few thinking humans on the Earth for the longest time. So, Lilith continued her career in the good books of the Really Old Shit Publishing Company5, although she stepped her appearances down some to ensure the corruption of the children of Seth and to ensure that she fulfilled her role as the Grandmother of the demons, she had to always be there for them, as they always seemed to have some sort of emotional difficulty. The high-pressure work place of Hell greatly contributed to this. Despite her other obligations, she had a few more cameos in the Bible and various other really old texts.
So, Lilith was the first working mother and was able to balance the home and work a truly great accomplishment.
Afterward:
Yahweh, after his nervous breakdown, had to be put into a mental institution and confined for the period up to the Abram during which time he had a personality crisis, a minor case of schizophrenia, became addicted to His meds and took to the bottle. He states, verbatim, We are all better, now. Yahweh has since then managed the Universe and claims no responsibility for the stupid shit that we have gotten ourselves into! (Despite that it literally was all His shit in the first place)
After my interview with Yahweh on his creation of the Universe and his general life story (a book to be published in March of next year), he resents the fact that people break the laws He has set for us and it might make him follow in Elohims, Sacred be His Name, foot steps and destroy the world, killing everybody. Despite this blatant double standard, Yahweh would like to re-iterate the fact that it is immoral, a.k.a. wrong (for those in my audience who dont understand turgid, pedantic logograms) to kill. Then, Yahweh referenced me to his complete and signed (by Elohim, Blessed be His Name) version of the Ten Commandments. There, in chiseled letters, was Thou Shall Not Kill! After which He conceded, that the entire law thing was Elohims, Sacred is Your Name, idea.
A Few Shout Outs: Acknowledgements
Special Thanks To (In No Special Order At All),
My family for all their religious ways, for if it wasnt for their oppression I would never have written this,
The Fic Bitch and her allowing me to use her Guide to Writing Hate Mail,
The authors of the Talmud,
The authors of the Kabbalah,
The authors of the Legend of Gilgamesh,
Ben Sira, the author of the Alphabet,
The authors of the Tanakh,
The authors of the Torah,
The author of the Tobit,
The authors of Isaiah,
The wonderful scribes of Ancient Sumer,
The Catholic Church for its preservation of the Apocrypha,
The authors of the Dead Sea Scrolls,
To all the translators who made this work possible,
And finally, to all the Gods of the AJCG who have chosen not to strike me dead or bring their wrath of fire, brimstone, lightning, plague, locusts, lice, frogs, etc. against me despite my blatant blasphemy and heresy!
|
