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It has come to my attention that there are those in this world who persist in paint-balling houses, toilet papering trees, egging/keying/using ketchup and mustard as finger-paint on cars, and so on and so forth.
I am a very busy person. Being bitter and caustic consumes a large amount of time, and I have been practicing for years. But even if I had nothing to do but stare at a wall and make faces at the ceiling, I would not commit acts of vandalism. Why, you may ask? Because I am not a jackass. I am an ass, of a certainty, but not a jackass.
Those who would vandalize private property in their spare time are quintessential jackasses, and deserved to be smacked upside the head, not helped to deal with their issues. In fact, I believe they should be dragged out behind the proverbial willow trees and have the shit beat out of them either way. My, am I condoning violence in our world? Do excuse me...
But those who commit acts of vandalism against their neighbors seem to need guidelines for doing so. I hate to be the one to point this out, but you are going about the business all wrong. And far be it from me to allow the continued ignorance of the masses. Hence, it is my privilege to present
Athena's Guide To Raising Neighborhood Hell
Number 1 ~ Remember your paintball gun. Nothing can compare to the expression on your neighbors faces when they realize that their entire house is covered in attractive splotches of red, blue, yellow and green.
Number 2 ~ Make absolutely certain to set at least one bag of fecal matter ablaze during the evening. This has a charming effect on household pets, and it seems to entertain those who must clean up after you.
Number 3 ~ Carousing is a must. If you don't incite at least three neighbors to banish sleep for the night, you are not doing your job as a hell raiser. This is also the quickest way to convince one of your fellow human beings to call the police. Be certain to yell profanities and the names of everyone who pisses you off, from the President to your homeroom teacher. Express your feelings.
Number 4 ~ When shopping for supplies, collect up shaving cream, eggs, toilet paper and condiments and head for the checkout. Make sure to do this en masse, and do not mix other items into the bunch.
Number 5 ~ Hit the houses of people you know and who know you.
Number 6 ~ Brag about your hell-raising. It is best to do this in a large group and in a place where all those passing by can hear you. Make sure to mention where you were, who you were with, what houses you hit and what you did. Do not neglect details.
Number 7 ~ Drive your parents car.
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