Athena's Justice and Prowdist Monkey's Lair

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MST of 'The Arabian Prince'

Original fic by mzbadgurl. MST by Athena's Justice and Prowdist Monkey

Hi everyone! Athena's Justice and Prowdist Monkey here. We have far too much spare time. So we decided to MST this fic.

Prowdist: Lasciate Ogne Speranza Voi Che'Entrate. (Inferno of Dante Canto III ln. 6) Abandon all hope ye who enter this place.

Athena: So speaks the English major.

If you want to contact the original author, her email is located below. If you want to contact us, send all email (compliments, flames, virtual voodoo dolls, etc.) to

isnt_that_remarkable@hotmail.com

but before you write us a hate mail, we recommend that you visit the Fic Bitch at http://www.envy.nu/smbadfics. Click on Lotsa Shite About This Site and then The Bitch's Guide To Sending Hate Mail. Just a thought. We would hate for you to get it wrong.

Disclaimer: We didn't write this. mzbadgurl did, and she is welcome to it. She claims the story, story line and one character as hers by intellectual copyright. All characters that we know and love are property of Naoko Takeutchi (yes, that is her name) and not to us. We'd disclaim the MST 3000 characters, but we aren't using them. HA!

*~*~*~*Coffee House*~*~*~*~*

Athena: Greetings brave souls. Cappucino? You're going to need it...
Prowdist: Make yourselves comfortable. Beanbags, futon, armchair...
Athena: Anti-depressants...
Ami: That bad?
Athena: I'm not saying a word...
Minako: Dare I ask what the fic is?
Rei: [glancing at the title] The Arabian Prince, by mzbadgurl
Makoto: Are we in this one?
Prowdist: That would be telling.
Athena: Let's get this show on the road.
Ami: Must we?
Athena: [as a Borg] Resistance is futile?
Prowdist: Role em! Quad shot anyone?

By: Mzbadgurl
E-mail: mzbadgurl@hotmail.com
Homepage: http://www.purpleshell.homestead.com/checkthisout.html
Notes: All characters belong to the person who made them and I make no
claim on them. I only copyright the story, story idea and the character Kitya. Please e-mail comments.



The Arabian Prince

The prince looked over his new present from Persia.

Athena: Is it Christmas already?
Minako: Jolly Old Saint Nicholas...

It was exquisite, pretty and new in his country.

Makoto: Indoor plumbing. It's going to be big.
Prowdist: Doth my ears detect a swirling sound?

It had long golden hair stylishly braided and fixed in a bun, a pale porcelain face and a small, thin body-shape.

Minako: It's a Barbie doll!
Makoto: Those won't be invented for another 600 years...
Athena: Don't try to work it out. It doesn't make sense.

It was the Persian emperor's own daughter.

All: Say wha?
Prowdist: Come on, already. Where's the obligatory sex scene?
Athena: Hentai....

It was present symbolizing peace.

Prowdist: We don't need peace. Just give us the damn sex scene!

He took one more glance at his new gift and realized that he couldn't see her eyes.

Athena: She's blind?
Prowdist: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

"Look at me." He commanded the trembling girl beneath him.

Prowdist: The guy moves fast.

She slowly lifted her eyes from the floor to meet the prince's eyes.

Prowdist: She can't do that. She's blind, dumb ass.

The prince saw large, crystal blue eyes that held sadness and fear.

Athena: [as sadness] LEMMME OUT!!!
Prowdist: [as fear] I want nothing to do with this fic!

"Take her to my chambers. I will look at her later."

Prowdist: I hope he does more than that. Waste of my time if all he does is look.
Ami: This fic is a waste of time anyway.
Prowdist: A good point.

With that he dismissed her and went on to his study.

Prowdist: Study? Is the author refering to a room, or a state of mental concentration?

The girl shook and tried hard not to let the tears come.

Prowdist: About time we had a sexual reference...
Athena: Shut up and watch.
Prowdist: I don't wanna....

Father did what he knew,

Athena: He never wrote a fanfiction, and for that, we thank him.
Prowdist: Complete sentences wanted. Apply within.

for a long time, Persian princesses were symbols of peace to other countries.

Prowdist: A symbol? Is there symbolisim in this fic?
Athena: WHERE?!?!

It was tradition for the king to give away daughters to foreign kings and princes in exchange for peace.

All: [singing] Tradition! Tradition!

The girl walked around slowly, shivering in her thin little dress.
They had stripped her of her ornamental dress; only to put her in an
impractical nightgown that was too thin.

Prowdist: Something must be said about that sentence.
Athena: Just let it pass.

The door creaked open and in stepped

Athena: Dracula!
Prowdist: Gary Oldman!
Rei: Homer!
Ami: Hannibal Lecter!

the prince.

All: Damn

He was magnificent, thick dark hair, stormy night eyes, and the
well-chiseled face of Arabians.

Prowdist: I am oddly aroused.
Athena: Hentai...

He had come in alone.

Prowdist: There goes my menage-a-trois fantasy.
Athena: Rei...
Rei: FIRE SOUL!!
[Prowdist is incinerated]
Prowdist: What'd I say? What? What?

The girl shivered again, not from cold but from what was to come.

Athena: He's going to make her read this fic, isn't he?
Ami: A fate worse than death

She knew her mission on earth was to serve peace

All: [singing] All we are saying, is give peace a chance.
Athena: [singing] We are the world, we are the children

and to do that, she needed to keep the prince happy.

Prowdist: [opens his mouth]
Athena: Makoto...
Prowdist: Okay okay...

Yet she hated it.

Minako: Is she talking about this fic?
Athena: Not as much as we do, sweetcakes.

She detested the idea that she was only a toy for the prince.

Prowdist: Sign me up! Is there a club of 'Toys for Princes'?

She wanted more, love and a family.

Athena: And once again, feminisim goes down the tubes.
Prowdist: I like this toy for the prince idea.
Athena: Rei....
Rei: FIRE SOUL!!!
Prowdist: [coughs] Sorry...

She was only seventeen, a child compared to the prince's
twenty-five.

Prowdist: Isn't that illegal in 49 states?
Athena: And even in Kentucky it's frowned upon.

The prince observed the many emotions flickering across the girl's
face.

"Undress me" He ordered.

Prowdist: Any time...
Minako: Venus Love Me Chain!
Prowdist: Ouch!
Athena: Thank you Minako.
Minako: Hentai...
Athena: Let's play comma toss! First one to hit the space between the 'e' and the quotation marks wins a Tuxedo Kamen plushie!

Slowly, as if in shock, she moved towards the tall prince. She bowed her head and started, slowly, to unbutton his shirt. She had to reach up for the last two buttons.

Ami: A giant amoung men...
Prowdist: *That* remains to be seen.

She gently pulled the shirt off him and began pulling off his thin shirt underneath.

Minako: Should we let it slide that Arabian's didn't layer their clothing?

After that she unfastened his necklaces by going on tiptoe to reach behind his neck. Next, she eased off his shoes and socks.

Prowdist: The mechanics of that escape me.
Ami: I thought he was standing.
Makoto: So did I
Rei: Did Arabians wear socks?

Finally there was only the pants left. She bowed her head and
determined not to

Athena: Be a slave to the whims of this man!
Prowdist: Support child labor!
Ami: Read this fic!

mess up or cry;

All: Shite.

unfastened his pants and slid them off.

Prowdist: The English major in me screams at that semi-colon.

She closed her eyes,

Athena: [singing] Drew back the curtain...

intent on not seeing anything of him. The prince looked at the girl,
his handmaid now, with a funny look.

Prowdist: And another report from the department of redundancy department...

No other girl had shied from looking at him.

Athena: Cry me a river, you macho jerk!
Prowdist: Be calm, my child.

She was different.

Rei: Good observation.

"Undress"

Prowdist: YES!!! A sex scene!

She knew it was hopeless now, she would have to surrender.

Athena: Bring me a receptical. I believe I am about to be ill.

Gradually, she pulled off her sheer gown and shut her eyes again.

Prowdist: Haven't we already established that she is blind?

The prince was happy with his gift; she was pure and unscarred.

Makoto: What do those two things have to do with one another?
Ami: Pure refers to a state of mind, while unscarred refers to a physical attribute.

"Get in bed"

Prowdist: Yes sir!
Ami: Shine Aqua Illusion!
[Prowdist attempts to claw his way out of the ice surrounding him]
Athena: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

He himself

Minako: Who else would he be?
Makoto: I used to be schitzophrenic, but we're okay now.

waited till she was in before he got on.

All but Athena: [singing] Let's get it on...
Athena: [looking at Prowdist] Don't encourage him.

He did as did

Prowdist: I'm not going to say a word.

until he felt her innocence.

Athena: Not much for foreplay, is he?

He muttered and pulled himself out with much temptation.

Prowdist: Complete sentence. Any time.
Ami: What exactly did pull himself out of?
Rei: A drain pipe?
Minako: Depression?

She opened her eyes.

Prowdist: But, being blind, she couldn't see anything.

She was worried.

Athena: That her character was going to be horribly misrepresented.

"I will not destroy your innocence unless you wish me to.

Prowdist: [singing] When you wish upon a star...

All you shall do is wait upon me."

Athena: Decisions, decisions...

With that, he rolled on to the side and slept.

Prowdist: The side of what? The bed? A cliff?
Athena: Typical male.

She could cry in relief.

Ami: Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

The prince was not cold hearted after all.

Prowdist: Cold feet are almost as bad, hon.

Two months passed with the prince keeping his promise. The girl was
happy.

Athena: The girl still has no name.
Prowdist: The girl is still blind.

She found that her job wasn't so hard and she had even begun to grow
fond of the prince.

Athena: Of course.
Prowdist: And now the predictible plot twist.

Until one night.

Minako: Dun dun dun!

He walked in cursing and swearing.

Athena: Having just read this fic.

She trembled but vowed not be scared.

Prowdist: [in a mocking tone] Look at me! I'm the weak female.
Athena: Someone should educate her as to the women's liberation movement.

She did her ritual undressing him

Prowdist: The 'of'!!!! Where the hell is the 'OF'!!!! [collapses in a trembling mass of nerves]

and shook when he grabbed her tightly. He pushed her onto his bed and crushed her with his weight. He kissed her hard so her lips were bruised from the rough treatment. Then, suddenly, he entered her and pumped himself till he was tired and fell asleep.

Ami: I'm confused
Minako: What just happened here?
Athena: The guy walked in, had his way with her, orgasamed and fell asleep, crushing her dreams and shattering her illusions.
Prowdist: This is so Lifetime Movie Of The Week....

The girl was crying openly now.

Prowdist: Feel free to pick a tense. Any time. We'll let you have it for free.
Athena: After you pass English 101 and collect $200.

Her heart felt as if a dozen icy daggers had cut it open.

Prowdist: O happy dagger...
Athena: DEFILE NOT THE BARD!!!

Her thighs felt sore and hurt.

Prowdist: What do her thighs have to do with anything?
Athena: [adds 'Human Anatomy' to the list of classes all fic writers ought to take]

She was bleeding a lot and she felt so hurt. She thought he could be trusted.

Rei: Boys lie.

She cried and cried until the prince awoke. She hurriedly
rubbed her eyes dry. The prince recalled last night with a bang.

Prowdist: The bang was issued from a .32 pistol
Rei: Which pierced the fic...
Ami: And it fell dead to the floor.
Minako: And there was much rejoicing.

He swore again

Athena: When he realized the fic had survived the assault.

and looked at the girl next to him. Her lips were bruised and so were her arms where he grabbed her.

Prowdist: Paging tense! Would a 'tense'...
Athena: Any tense
Rei: We aren't picky
Prowdist: Please report to 'The Arabian Prince'?


Her eyes were puffy and red.

Athena: For red, dry eyes, use Clear Eyes.
Prowdist: Go Ben Stein!!

She was curled up in a ball and he could see that she was bleeding a lot. "I-I. I had no intention of hurting you. Get up."

Athena: So are the Days Of Our Lives.
Prowdist: Stop the soap opera! I can't stand it!

The stammer was gone and fierce authority replaced it.

Rei: And all it took was seven years of speech therapy.

The girl was trying her best not to cry

Makoto: Though it appears to be her favorite past time...

when a lone tear escaped down her cheek.

Athena: [as tear] Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, I am free at last!

The prince noticed and said gruffly and incoherently, "Sorry. I will ship you back to Persia now."

Prowdist: Fed-Ex?
Athena: She'll get there in 24 hours.

The girl looked at him in fright. She could not go back to Persia, her gift was gone

Prowdist: And we are back to the gift thing...

and she was only a worthless slut now.

Prowdist: No comment.
Athena: That's right, just let it go.

Surely he wouldn't. Suddenly she realized that although the prince had hurt her badly, she still loved him.

Rei: Perpetuating the myth that womyn need a man to keep them happy.
Minako: Where is that NOW representative?

The prince overheard his cook conversing with his butler.

Athena: [as cook] It was Colonel Mustard in the Dining Room with the Candlestick! I saw him!
Prowdist: I bet the butler wrote this fic.
Rei: It's always the butler.

" 'Tis a pity! The young girl going back to Persia."

Ami: And the story shifts to English slang.
Prowdist: What did you expect?

"Yes, god knows she'll be abused there and tortured."

Prowdist: She shall be made to read this no less than 1,000 times a day!

"Yes, those Persians are stuck up. If she returns, they'll beat her and
rape her!"

Ami: Again?
Minako: Can't we all just be friends?
Prowdist: No.

"Yes, the prince shouldn't send her back. That is immoral and cruel!"

Rei: Yeah, he strikes me as a guy with a really strong value system.

"Yes, like delivering meat to wolves!"

Prowdist: Yeah! Blood and death to liven things up!

The prince had heard enough and vowed to change his plans.

Prowdist: And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes...
All: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

The girl waited in his chamber, dressed in an ornamental Arabia dress.
She was ready to leave for Persia. Her hair had been washed and combed
to a glossy finish

Prowdist: Why am I reminded of furniture polish?

and red rouge

Athena: Moulin Rouge?
Minako: A classic...

covered her bruised lips. The prince stepped in

Prowdist: Though not into a particular room...

and called out.

Athena: To the ghosts of his ancestors...

"You. You shall go to the house on the far side of Arabia. You shall
not return to Arabia. You shall take a small maid with you and live there alone."

Athena: Does this character ever get to have a name?
Prowdist: What's in a name?
Athena: DEFILE NOT THE BARD!!!
Prowdist: Theatre majors.

With that, he swept a tall girl towards her and left. The girl smiled shyly

Ami: Another girl?
Athena: Doesn't anyone in this fic have a name?
Prowdist: Wait for it...

and said, "I'm Kitya Lyn.

Prowdist: Thar she blows!
Athena: A name! A name!
All: Joy to the world, the names have come!

I'm to be your new handmaid miss."

Makoto: A handmaid for a handmaid? What?
Minako: A handmaid, my kingdom for a handmaid...
Athena: I'm sorry Bill. I tried to stop them...
Prowdist: Handmaid or lesbian lover?

Together they walked to the horse

Prowdist: Hmmmmm. That's just wrong.

and arrived at their new lodging.

Athena: Across the desert in 80 milliseconds. Not bad.

Three months later, the girl was invited to the prince's party.

Prowdist: Where are the scene changes? Where are the sqiggly lines, and filler space, and...[collapses, twitching]
Athena: I think the English major has been overloaded with bad grammar.

She dressed up and got there.

Athena: Is he breathing?

She was ushered to a room.

Makoto: I think he's dead.

The prince, dressed fantastically,

Prowdist: [waking suddenly] I bet he's gay. [collapses once more]

arrived and looked at her.

Minako: That did it. He's gone.
Prowdist: Subject, object, noun, verb, adjective, adverb...come back, my friends, come back!!!
Athena: Adverb come home!

She smiled shyly at the prince. Her smile disappeared when a
buxom woman stepped out from behind him. "You're my new maid? Come here
to my room"

Rei: And she's back to being a handmaid.
Athena: Life's a bitch.

She took her maid and left her to clean her room and take out her hats
from the attic.

Prowdist: Indefinite pronouns must die!
Athena: This is why most characters have names.
Ami: While we acknowlege that it is the author's perogative to name their characters...
Rei: For the sake of the audience...
Makoto: USE NAMES!!!!
Minako: Especially in cases where the names are provided by the creator.

The buxom woman

Rei: aka Whore.

smiled at the prince and hooked her arm around his. They walked towards the ballroom when a loud crash was heard. They hurried back and saw the girl lying unconscious, bleeding. A doctor was called

Athena: Who diagnosed that 'the girl' was suffering from an identity crisis.

and she was put back in her house with Kitya.

Rei: I thought the house was across the desert.
Minako: How do they get to and from that house so fast?
Makoto: Suspend your sense of reality.
Athena: Or chuck it out the window...

When Kitya's missus

Ami: Back to the English slang.

awoke; Kitya was crying and smiling.

Minako: I can see the crying.
Makoto: I may never smile again.

The girl looked up and felt a pain in her stomachache.

Prowdist: Stomache ache is two words. And it is a feeling, not a thing.
All: He LIVES!!!

She commanded the young maid to

All: Put us out of our misery!

tell her what had happened.

Rei: Well hell.
Makoto: It was worth a shot.

Her unborn baby had died when she had fallen.

Minako: So she fell?
Ami: She was pregnant?
Athena: Inquiring minds want to know.

The girl screamed and broke out in great sobs.

Rei: Us too.
Minako: We miss the plot line.
All: Here, plot line, plot line, plot line. Here boy!

The pain in her heart

Prowdist: HEART ATTACK!!!

was greater than when she thought the prince wanted

Athena: To found a nudist colony?
Ami: To become a member of a strict religious order?
Rei: To run off to Las Vegas and change his name from 'the prince' to something memorable?
Makoto: Or add 'The Artist Formerly Known As' to the front of it...
Prowdist: A gay lover? Pick me, pick me, o god pick me!

her back only to have her serve his mistress. It felt as if her heart was shattering.

Prowdist: Not unlike the flow of this fic. Where's my jack hammer?

For days, the sad girl lay curled up on her bed, grieving after the loss of her baby. One day,

Athena: Though how long after her fall, leap through space to this house at the edge of the desert and miscarriage is anyone's guess...

the prince arrived at her house. He had felt an urge to see
her face. It gave him peace and he felt as if everything was all right when she smiled.

Minako: Smile, baby!

Kitya, gathering up her courage, told him to stay away.

Ami: Servants didn't do that. They could be sold, or beaten, or killed.
Prowdist: Or any combination of the above.

"What? You order me? Get out of the way girl." He pushed her aside, only to have her say,

Rei: You are a macho bastard!
Prowdist: I am a man in disguise!
Minako: That's just wrong...

"You hurt my mistress. You killed her baby and her heart. Do you have feelings? That was your child you sentenced to death.She loves even now! All you do is keep her away so gossip does not spread.
I'm sorry sir, but do not hurt her again. She'll die! Ask what she wants. It'll be "I love you" she's wanting."

Ami: The longest speech in the fic thus far...
Minako: And it comes in a cockney-like accent.
Athena: [singing] I could have danced all night...

The prince strode in and pushed open the girl's bedroom door. Sure enough, she was crying

Athena: He seems surprised.
Rei: She hasn't done much else in this fic.
Minako: He ought to be used to it by now.

and her arms around her back.

Ami: Now she's a contortionist?
Prowdist: Finally things are getting interesting!

The prince felt pained. HE

Makoto: From a prince to a deity in one fell swoop.

knelt beside her and whispered.

Minako: The meaning of life?
Makoto: The riddle of the sphinx?
Prowdist: The secret to proper punctuation?

"Don't cry. Smile."

Athena: So much for that.

The girl only muffled her crying and ignored him. He held her hand and made her look in his eyes.

Athena: [as a hypnotist] Look into my eyes...

"Do not cry." She only sobbed harder and the prince held her close. He could feel her pain

Athena: Honey, *I* feel her pain.
Prowdist: We all feel her pain.
Minako: Anyone who reads this feels her pain.

emitting from the small, lithe body he held. They stayed like that until she wandered

Makoto: Away from this House At The Edge Of The Desert...
Minako: To join a commune...
Athena: And work for the betterment of society...
Prowdist: By living on the side of a mountain...
Ami: Distributing herbal cures and making jam!

to a blissful peaceful sleep,

Rei: No such luck.

the first in months. He stayed holding her for hours until she stirred and moved away from his touch.

Prowdist: So many generic terms. Specificity is our friend!

He asked.

Athena: To be allowed to spend the rest of his life in Cancun!
Minako: For peace on earth!

"What is it your heart desires?"

The girl shook and said softly, the first he had ever heard her speak.
Her voice had a lilting, tinkling quality to it.

Athena: Well, of course it does. No self respecting slave/handmaiden/princess/gift would have a gravely voice. That would be *normal*.

"Answer my question truthfully with nothing to cloud your thoughts. Whom do you love?"

He sat and thought. "I love-"

Ami: Coffee!
Makoto: Harry Potter!
Athena: David Eddings!
Rei: Pyrotechnics!
Minako: Another woman!
Prowdist: Other men!

"Promise to not let anything cloud your thoughts, whether it be guilt
or pity."

"I love you."

All: Well, duh!
Rei: Like we didn't see *that* coming.

With that, he swept her up in his arms and kissed her softly and gently. Kitya closed the door and left them there.

Prowdist: Left them where?
Athena: In the house?
Rei: In a parallel universe?

After happy weeks, the prince arranged a gala to celebrate his new
wife, Persian princess Serena.

Athena: Three fourths of the way through the fic, 'the girl' has a name.
Rei: That's two.
Prowdist: Come on, number three!

It was in the night

Prowdist: It can't be 'in' the night. The night is an intangible thing. It is a time, not a carrying case!

and Serena had dressed especially nice. She wore a pale blue, flowing, Grecian, dress

Athena: I knew it. The commas are planning to drive us all insane by showing up in random places.

and her hair was fixed elaborately in acomplex style that looped and hung with several braids. She looked stunning, although
her eyes still and forever would, held sadness.

Ami: The commas are coming, the commas are coming!
Makoto: Go! Run! Save yourself!

Today, there was glint of happiness and love.

Prowdist: Anywhere in particular, or everywhere in general?
Rei: All this mushy sweetness cannot fail to bring these emotions to all hearts...

Arabian Prince Darien

Ami: Yeah, number three!

watched with pride as his lovely wife descended down the
stairs. Beryl, Darien's old and jealous mistress

Athena: Final count - four names.
Minako: And all it took was a damn confusing few pages.
Makoto: How much misery could have been avoided by simply putting the names in at the start.

watched and plotted against the royal couple.
Darien held out his arm to Serena and they glided over to the dance
hall.They danced silently for a while until Darien spoke. "You look-you-look great."


Though Darien loved and admired Serena very much,

Prowdist: All beating, raping and belittling aside.
Athena: I love you baby! Honest I do!

he still had trouble complimenting her and talking naturally.

Athena: That's all he has trouble with?
Prowdist: Breathe, dear.

Serena understood this; she herself had trouble

Rei: M&M's cure all ills.

speaking

Makoto: It is a switch from crying.

to Darien since she was very shy. "Thank you" Darien just looked at her with much pride; she was by far, the most gorgeous woman in the palace. Beryl made her move and stepped

Prowdist: Into a bad fic! Oh, wait...

in front of Darien. "Oh your highness! I just came to congratulate you
on your lovely prize-I mean wife. You really must be proud of her. I hope you'll still, um, come VISIT me." She gushed and emphasized visit.

Athena: As is indicated by the capitalization of 'visit'...

"Serena? You mustn't be angry with him; it's very modern to have another woman.

Ami: Historical fact. In ancient times, Arabian men kept harems. They were allowed up to four wives. Most women raised in this society accepted this. Just thought I'd point that out.

You really must keep up with the times. I mean, he had you while he had
me first. So, basically, you stole him!"

Prowdist: And now 'the prince' is a gift to be stolen away. We have come full circle.

She then turned to press against Darien, causing his reluctant reaction before leaving. Serena just looked after her, her face revealing nothing. She knew that Darien had been with other women.

All: DUH!!!

It didn't matter as long as he didn't now.

Rei: He probably has a harem of 200.
Makoto: And illigitimate children up the wazoo.
Minako: Not to mention another wife stored away at another house at the end of the desert.
Prowdist: And a male lover. Come on, the 'dressed fantastically' is a dead giveaway!

She looked at Darien. His face was red

Ami: Though he wouldn't be embarassed by it...
Minako: Athena, add World History and Civilizations to that list of college courses all authors ought to take.
Athena: So noted.

and he pulled Serena out of the ballroom to his study room.

Prowdist: Ancient Architecture as well.
Athena: Consider it done.

Once inside, he started to explain. Serena stopped him saying gently, "Thank you but all you need to say is that you will never cheat on me

Makoto: Or you'll what?
Minako: Divorce him?
Rei: Hit him over the head with a chair?
Athena: Tomorrow on Jerry Springer, historically incorrect princes and the women who love them.
Minako: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

or try not love another.

Prowdist: I am reminded of Daily Oral Language. Find and correct the mistakes in the above sentence and you get a gold star!

It doesn't matter about your past." Darien nodded and kissed her forehead softly.

Prowdist: As opposed to biting her...
Athena: Or giving her a swift kick...

One day in May,

Athena: A set time? First names and now established seasons?
Rei: I can hardly contain my glee.
Prowdist: And on the third day, God created...
All: DUCT TAPE!!!

Serena woke up and hugged the body next to her. She cuddled
up to him

Prowdist: I knew it! She's sleeping with Ewen MacGregor!
Makoto: She didn't say that!
Minako: But she didn't give a name either...
Athena: Why start now?

and kissed him softly, awaking him.

Prowdist: [as Darien] Damn you woman! I was dreaming of Pamela Anderson! And Brad Pitt.

She ran her fingers through his thick dark hair and touched his cheek. He smiled and slept

Ami: But he was awake a moment ago.
Makoto: Circadian rythmes. No one understands them.

whilst his wife touched and explored his face. Finally,
she got up and dressed. Unknown to her, Darien watched from behind and
grabbed around her waist when she finished. She gave a muffled shriek and laughed. Darien held her tight and inhaled her scent-fresh roses.

"Where are you going?"

Rei: Antarctica.
Minako: Paris.
Prowdist: Castro District!

"Nowhere, the doctor's coming here for a checkup. You ought to do one
too."

Prowdist: Yeah, doctors make a lot of money.
Athena: Prowdist! Enough!

Serena reply was muffled as Darien had covered her mouth.
"I hate doctors. I'm not going. I have a meeting in Royal Busch
Gardens,

Athena: Like the amusement park?
Prowdist: The British version of the amusement park.
Ami: I knew it! This fic is secretly set in England!
Minako: Secretly? What's been secret about it?

this really exclusive and expensive restaurant,

Rei: And we care...why?
Makoto: Is this relevant?
Athena: Will this be on the test?

this afternoon. I'll come back for dinner but I'm not eating lunch here."

Ami: Wouldn't that be why he's going to a resturant?
Prowdist: The comma....no, no, nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

"Ok!"

They got dressed, or folded the covers in Serena's case

Athena: Doesn't she have *people* to do that for her?
Minako: Have your people call and find out.

and ventured

Prowdist: What's with the 'venturing'? Doesn't that imply caution or extrodinary bravery?
Athena: Venturing forward into the rest of this fic...
Rei: To boldly go where no man has gone before...

downstairs to eat their breakfast. After that, they went on their separate ways and Serena went to the room to be checked by her female doctor, Amy.

Ami: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Minako: I don't think women were doctors back then.
Makoto: I know they weren't.

Amy looked up and smiled at the Persian

Makoto: Now the princess is a cat.

now Arabian

Minako: And a horse. What a fascinating combination.
Athena: The author is referring to nationalities.
Rei: True, but that's not as much fun as a horse-cat genetic cross!

as well, woman who walked in. She lay down on a low bed

Prowdist: Who lay down?
Minako: There are two women in the room...
Ami: Me. I am about to pass out.
Athena: Is there a therapist in the house?

and closed her eyes

Rei: Me next!
Makoto: Pick me, pick me, oh God pick me!

while the physician checked her body and noted some notes.

Prowdist: An astonishing accomplishment.
Athena: Where is my Thesaurus?
Prowdist: This commentary brought to you by the department of redundancy department.

When she was finished, Serena sat upright and looked at Amy. "Alright? I can go now?"

"Not quite, your highness. There is a matter of health I need to attend
to. Have you been eating right?"

Rei: As opposed to eating wrong?

"Um, yes. I do have these urges for food all of a sudden but I usually
have strange urges."

Prowdist: Really? Let's discuss that...
Athena: I'm tempted to allow that just spice things up.

"I see. And your...?"

Rei: Feet.
Minako: Elbows.
Makoto: Kindney.
Ami: This is so humiliating. I am a scholar! I want to be a doctor! I have absolutly no problem stating the term 'menstrual cycle'!
Athena: We know, dear. We know.

"Um, it's sorta late but it's really irregular."

"Any new or funny things?"

Athena: Dear God, we've been waiting for the *entire* fic for one or both of those things.

"Um, mood swings and I'm eating too much I think."

All: Big surprise. Really, a shocker.

"Ah."
"Um, what's the matter? You're really scaring me."

Makoto: Has anyone but me noticed that the dialouge has deteriorated into American teenage slang?

"Well, the good news is-"

Minako: The fic is over!
Rei: Is it really?
Athena: Huzzah!

"Wait, I want to know the bad news first." Serena winced in
anticipation.

Ami: There's more to this cheesy storyline folks.
All: AMI!!!!
Prowdist: Crush our hopes...

"Well. There really isn't a bad side.

Makoto: There is *always* a bad side...

Your highness, I hope to present to you your child in six months."
"Thank you, Am- My what? What did you just say? I thought you just
said-"
"Child. I did. Congratulations, your majesty."
"Oh. Oh my god. This is a joke, right?"

Prowdist: It's been a joke all the way through.
Athena: We mock in your general direction!

"No. This is real!"

All: That's what *you* think...[begin humming the theme from the Twiglight Zone]

"Impossible,

Athena: Your mission, should you choose to accept it...

two years ago, I was told that I would never have another
child."
"Perhaps, but it isn't an impossible task!"

Prowdist: You're telling me!
Athena: Prowdist...
Prowdist: I'm just trying to liven things up a bit.

"I-I think I need to sit down." So Serena sat down

Ami: She was just lying down.
Makoto: Then she sat up...
Minako: I saw no dramatic sentence in which whats-her-name leapt to her feet.

and held a cup of steaming tea as she pondered her new condition. Amy told her what to expect, what restrictions she had and basically, filled her in on what to do.

Athena: Read a book!
Ami: What does she want, visual aids?

Serena was happy but the old fear from her last miscarriage returned stronger. She vowed to keep this one out of harm's way; no matter what. She decided to tell Darien that afternoon at the restaurant. She told Amy so. Outside, Beryl heard and schemed.

Rei: Like Beryl has nothing better to do with her time. I happen to know that she is addicted to ER and watches re-runs all the time.

Serena walked to the Royal Busch Gardens

Prowdist: For high tea?
Athena: If you're late for tea in Great Britian, they kick you out!

and was directed by the maitre'd

Ami: Athena, underline and highlight World History and Civilization.
Athena: Done and done.

to a table behind the palm fronds.

Ami: Nice location.
Rei: Perfect for eavesdropping.
Makoto: Can't imagine what's about to happen.
Athena: What resturant puts a table behind palm fronds?

She quickened her pace and stopped short at the sight.

Minako: of a camel dancing the Macerena with a pistol toting zebra.

Beryl was with Darien, hanging over him.

Ami: What is she, a plant?
Rei: Or a decoration?
Makoto: A chandelier, perhaps?

Serena could hear every word said.

All: NO!

"Oh Darien, what happened? You said you loved me. Can't you feel this child growing?"

Prowdist: Bitch.
Athena: Tramp.
Rei: Slut.
Minako: Whore.
Ami: Sidewalk stewardess.
Makoto: Am I correct in assuming we like her?
All: At least she's interesting.

Beryl placed his hands on her rounded stomach (actually fathered by another man) and smiled a sickeningly sweet smile.

Prowidst: Fat ass.

Serena felt again, the heartache.

Prowdist: Get an ambulance in here, on the double!
Athena: Heart*ache* not heart*attack*.
Prowdist: The ambulance is for me. I need morphine.

The feeling that her heart was frozen

Prowdist: She's a little behind the times.
Athena: We've been heartless SOB's for years.

and cracking inside was very strong. She felt dizzy. She needed air. She ran out of the restaurant, back to the limo

Athena: STOP!!!!
Ami: I'm lost. I thought this took place in ancient times.
Rei: The author never said it did...
Prowdist: She never gave us a specific period either. Since Persia hasn't existed for several thousand years, I just assumed that it took place a very long time ago.
Athena: And here we have a dilemma.
Minako: Could we settle on a time frame please?
Makoto: Back in the days of Persia, people walked or rode camels or horses.
Prowdist: They did *not* drive in limos.
Athena: And what *modern* woman would allow someone to banish her to the edge of the desert?
Rei: Or to be given away as a gift.
Prowdist: PICK A TIME!!!

awaiting her. Darien felt sick.

Athena: Wonderful. He feels sick and I am about to *be* sick.

His life had been fine, blissfully happy until less than 12 hours ago.

Prowdist: You are a prince. This problem is easily solved. Just point to one and say 'Off with her head!'

Now, he had a frightened, hurt wife who loved him and a selfish, supposedly pregnant bitch that loved his money.

All: [singing] Money money money. Must be funny in a rich man's world.

How could life be so fickle? Darien broke free

Rei: Free Willy!
Prowdist: Go Willy! Go!

of Beryl's grasp and ran out to his car,

Athena: So we are in modern times.
Prowdist: Too many questions, there's too many questions...

he raced back to the palace and ran up the stairs, two by two,

Athena: The ants go marching two by two...
All: Hurrah! Hurrah!

to his bedroom. There he found Serena laying facedown, sobbing.

Rei: Now *there's* a shocker.
Minako: And she seemed so *stable* before...

Kitya, her handmaid, was packing her clothes. Darien swore and went to Serena. "Look, Serena. That wasn't like you thought it was. Beryl was just being mean.

Athena: You big poopy head!
Prowdist: You can't play with my dolly anymore!

I love you. I really do. Serena, please forgive me. Come on, look at me."

Athena: I'm Sandra Dee...
Prowdist: She doesn't want to turn to stone, you friggin GORGON!!!

"I-I don't know. You told her you loved her

Prowdist: [singing] Love, it changes everything...

that must have held some meaning.

Ami: And he's proved himself so very trustworthy...

Maybe you did love her. Maybe you-you just married me because of -of duty."

Rei: [singing]Can you feel the pain tonight...

Serena wasn't sobbing but her tears ran openly down her face.
"Look. I didn't mean for you to hear that. I just love you. I married
you because I-"

Athena: Wanted to get laid on a regular basis!
Minako: Was obeying the voices in my head!
Makoto: Wanted to be like Mike!

"Because you thought I was a prize? You thought I was a prize or trophy
you can keep?"

Prowdist: Tense must have better things to do...

"No! Serena."

"I don't know. My heart hurts so bad, it's worse than before.

Athena: Cry me a river!
Ami: Been there.
Makoto: Done that.
Minako: Moving on.

I love you, even though you didn't.

Prowdist: That is not a sentence.
Athena: We know dear. We know.

Even now, I love you. I don't know why. It's just that. That.

Prowdist: What?
Minako: Don't keep us in suspense.

My heart's been tricked for too long. Each time, I fill it up with hope and you just throw it away.

Athena: This reads like a country song.
Makoto: Get the Dixie Chicks in here on the double!

I can't trust you anymore. I want to but it's too hard. You and I know what happens."

Rei: Back to the House at the Edge of the Desert, eh?
Ami: Damn.

Darien felt really guilty, he knew he had done some things that even
God would find hard to forgive. He had tricked her, lied to her each time.

Prowidst: You should, you chauvinist asshole.
Athena: Oh, hon, I didn't know you cared.

"Maybe, Maybe you and I just weren't supposed to be together. Maybe we should have never met or married.

All:[singing] Breaking up is hard to dooooooooooooo...

I'm-I'm sorry."

Prowdist: Sorry you got CAUGHT you meanie!

Serena screamed in pain and a glowing light surrounded her. A low
voice echoed out. "I, King Kenjin,

Athena: What's with the 'n'?
Prowdist: Don't ask questions. It only prolongs the pain and suffering.

swear upon this stone.

Minako: What stone?
Prowdist: What the hell does a stone have to do with anything?
Athena: Like a rolling stone...

If my daughter, Serena Heraldlin,

All: Ooooooo. A *last* name.
Minako: Now she's getting fancy.

feels pain and hurt so much that she could die, let her die in peace. Now, so it be. I cast this spell and bind it with her life and mine."

Prowdist: Where the *hell* did this crazy guy come from?

Thunder clapped and light faded, leaving a pale, empty shell of the woman that had loved Darien so deeply.

Prowdist: She is not a thing.
Athena: Hence, it would be 'who' as opposed to 'that'.

With a start, Darien realized what this meant

Rei: I bet he graduated at the top of his class.
Ami: What a smart boy.

and gave a savage howl. He only suggested they part because he thought she hated him. Serena couldn't die.

Prowdist: She *can*. Everyone can. It's one of those stupid human tricks...
Athena: Unless she is an immortal...

No, it was impossible!

Minako: Believe It or Not, Ripley!

Serena was his light and joy! No! Darien screamed all this and hugged her with a raw, savage emotion. He cried for the first time

Minako: Ever?
Prowdist: That guy has issues.
Makoto: Express your emotions in healthy ways.
Athena: MST a fic! It's a wonderful way to release anger, frustration and stress.

, his crystal tear landing at her pale lips. Another light came,
this time golden yellow and gentle, like waves lapping at a shore. A figure came out; it was too bright to tell who it was.

Athena: I am the great and powerful Oz!
Prowdist: Behold the Metatron!

"Darien. I'm disappointed in you. She was a jewel among coals, so bright that even a blind person

Prowdist: Convenient, seeing as how 'Serena' *is* blind!

could tell.

Rei: That she was possessed!
Minako: Didn't you see the spinning head and evil glares?

Why couldn't you?"

"Oh. I-I truly did love her."

All: [singing] I love you, I honestly love you.
Athena: I'll never let go!
Prowdist: As she slips beneath the waves...not unlike one of our all time *favorite* actors....


"Saying it to me isn't saying anything.

Athena: Que?
Prowdist: Pay it no heed.

I don't care."

Minako: That makes eight of us.

"I-I wish she could come back. You can make her right?"

Prowdist: Was she wrong?
Athena: [as teacher] Now class, I'm handing back your papers and tests. We are going to go over this life-and-death mockery until Serena gets it right.

"Nay, Darien. The king was strong in magic, even if not in sense. I
can't help you there."

Rei: PULL!
Makoto: [flings the 'even' into the air]
Rei: Burning Mandela!
Athena: [watches as the 'even' is burned to ash] Nice shootin' Rex.

"No! I can't live without her. She was like my morning light, so
bright!

Makoto: You're a poet and didn't know it.

She gave me happiness and love even though I didn't deserve it."

Prowdist: [as Darien] To be honest I'm glad she's gone.
Ami: [as Darien] All that crying was starting to get on my nerves.

"That's darn right!

Prowdist: Where's the 50's sitcom mother?
Rei: All we need now is a shucks.

You sure as hell didn't deserve it!"

Athena: And what, pray tell, have we done to deserve this?

"Please, help me! You've got to!"

Minako: [as golden light] PSYCH!!!! It was all a big joke at your expense!
All: SURPRISE!!!

"No, I said I couldn't help. I can only-"

Makoto: Make a wonderful chocolate mousse!
Minako: Dictate Latin verbs for three and a half hours!
Ami: Name 4,500,789 of the numbers that make Pi!

"Whatever! If it helps, please!"
"I can only give her life for two minutes.

Athena: Well of course.
Rei: No respectable disembodied, God-like figure would bring someone back from the dead for more than two minutes.
Makoto: The union of 'Disembodied Voices and Omniscent Beings' won't allow it.

You must make her want to live. That counters the spell, she won't die if she's happy."

Prowdist: No one is happy. Those who are happy are stupid.
Athena: Down boy.

"Please!"

Prowdist: No.
Athena: Rejected.

Glittery dust

All: Think....lovely...thoughts...
Prowdist: I can fly!
Athena: Second star to the right...

swirled and spiraled around the couple. Serena woke up
and looked around her. She frowned, was this the Land of the Dead?

Prowdist: [as Satan] Yes. And your sould is mine.
Athena: [as Satan] FALL TO YOUR KNEES AND SUCK IT, BITCH!!

It resembled Darien's room.

Prowdist: It *is* hell...
Athena: We were only joking, honest...

Wait, there was Darien.

All: SATAN!!!
Prowdist: Where is that damn crucifix?

She must be alive.

Ami: I see dead people.

"Serena, honey, please listen to me. I really want to tell you that-that I love beyond love.

Prowdist: Is this love platonic?
Athena: DIOTIMA'S LADDER!!!

I can't live without you. You're like my sunshine.

All: [singing] My only sunshine...

I need you forever.

Rei: You'll die before forever hits.

I'm sorry about what I did before.

Prowdist: You suck.

I know I don't deserve

Ami: Ice cream!
Makoto: Potato chips!
Rei: Indoor plumbing!

you but please, give me one more chance!"

Prowdist: Access, denied!
Athena: HA!!!

"I-I"
"Serena, please. Beryl's baby isn't mine. I love you, not her. You love
me, right? Please say yes!"

"I-I don't know. I'm scared to try."

Prowdist: Try what?
Rei: Sky diving?
Ami: African safari?

"Please? It'll be different this time. I promise. I won't hurt you
again and I swear not to even look at other women."

Prowdist: That settles it. He's either gay or a eunuch.

"I-I want to but it's hard. I don't care if you love another, just tell
me."

"I won't. I love you, my princess." The desperateness in his voice was
real.
"Oh, I love you Darien!"

All: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

BANG!

All: Who died?!

The voice was here again.

Athena: Woo Hoo! Disembodied voice! I like this one...

This time it chuckled and said, "Darien, you can still convince a lady. Good for you! By the way, Congratulations!"

Minako: Johnny, tell him what he's won!

"Thank you! Congratulations on what?"
Darien felt a hand tugging on his shirt. It was Serena and she was
grinning mischievously.

Prowdist: I know what SHE wants...
Athena: Hentai...

"What? You know what he's on about?"
"Well, make three guesses!"

Athena: We give up.
Prowidst: I hate this fic.
Rei: Does it never end?

"Um, well, I guess, getting you back, sweet."

Prowdist: The colloquialism's and accents are driving me insane!

"Nice but no. Try again!"

Athena: Really. They are.

Serena had her arms around him and hugging him tightly.

"Um, having a bright new life?"

"I hope so! But, not quite." Serena was rubbing her tummy and smiling
at him.

"Um, wait. It's-Its. I'm gonna be daddy?" Darien asked in astonishment,

Prowdist: [as Darien] Again?
Minako: [as Darien] I hate kids!

hardly daring to breathe.

Prowdist: So he passes out.
Rei: Dead.
Minako: Murdered.
Ami: Stabbed.

"Yes!" Darien had his hand on her tummy, feeling and marveling at the
tiny beats from inside.

Prowdist: Human Development needs to be on that list, Athena.
Athena: Way ahead of you.

He looked at his wife, the most beautiful woman in his life; the one
who loved him without a limit. He loved her so much.

Rei: And the rape...
Ami: And beating...
Minako: Banishment...
Makoto: Imprisonment...
Prowdist: And cheating...
Athena: All go *flying* out of her mind.

The prince had finally learned to love.

*~*~*~*In The Coffee House*~*~*~*

Prowdist: Just shoot me.
Rei: Are we done yet?
Prowdist: Cheesecake and espresso are the only cures.
Athena: That was...no, I can't. There are no words.
Ami: My IQ has dropped.
Makoto: My head hurts.
Minako: Stop whining. At least it's over.
All: Hurrah!
Ami: I have the right to whine. I was in that fic.
Athena: That was not a fic. I don't know what it was, but it was not a fic.
Rei: It's okay, Ami. It happens to the best of us.
All: Till next time...

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